Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
