im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
