am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
