why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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