the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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