I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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