I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
