wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
be right there i have to get my cape
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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