the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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