He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
