..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
