seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
