when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize