i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he was CRYING into my vagina
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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