Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
