i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
