apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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