Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
