Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i will never coherently bang her
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
