I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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