You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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