Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He felt like a one man threesome
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
