Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
