Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
