What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
