I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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