nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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