You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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