You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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