its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
