mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
