god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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