Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i came on her dog
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
