the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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