So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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