His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
