hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
