If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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