Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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