So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
