Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
