so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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