Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
