We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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