I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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