i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
