I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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