she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
