If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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