Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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