it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
