So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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