I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
