Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
