you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
