you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
