Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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