so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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