I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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